Totally Toddler

We are just days from the 18 month mark and I'm laying here listening to our sweet girl snoring after having asked me to read the same five books over a dozen times each before finally succumbing to sleep and I can't help but reminisce about how much our sweet Baby Bug has changed since her first birthday!

Today was the day that I realized that my baby has officially become a toddler and left babyhood behind. This makes me sad because those bitty baby months went by so fast, but I am so excited about the person our sweet Baby Bug is growing into.

Toddlerhood is full of messes, giggles, defiance, and exploration. And each of these things has challenged me to look at the world through the eyes of my sweet girl and has encouraged me to slow down to see what may be causing her to feel upset.

By far my favorite part of toddlerhood has been watching Baby Bug explore the world around her. From her first major snow to literally climbing to new heights!

We've had so much snow this year and Bug, unlike myself, has loved every moment. She loved crunching the snow piles with her boots, picking up handfuls to take giant bites, and plopping down to sit and dig. She smiles each time she sees snow falling from the sky as she yells "bubbles". But I am so ready for warm air and blowing actual bubbles outside!

Baby Bug also loves climbing, much to the stress of my heart, and I have a running joke that she is going to have a major injury by her second birthday! Nearly everyday she tempts that fate by jumping from all of the surfaces of our home and constantly coming close to requiring a visit to Urgent Care.

If you haven't gathered by now, I have a very driven and independent child with an incredibly strong will. She is determined to do things on her own, gets frustrated when she fails, but then gets up and tries again. She rarely gives up on completeing a task once she has started it and has so much excitement when she accomplishes a task on her own.

Our current battle of the wills is keeping our clothes on while out in public and wearing a diaper while we are home. Baby Bug loves being naked and keeping pants on as we grocery shop or walk around Target is a major challenge for us. My hope is that this is the start of being interested in potty training since she loves sitting on her potty, but I know we still have a ways to go before she is truly ready. 

All of this to say that while I am sad to say goodbye to babyhood, I am so excited about our new adventure with a toddler who is constantly doing the most!

It Won't Be Like This For Long

In the age of social media, moms have so much pressure to perform on certain timelines. He should be sitting up now, what do you mean he isn't reaching for everything, he should have started solids months ago, or oh no he's not walking yet have you talked to your pediatrician? Not every timeline matches every baby, but does that stop us from comparing ourselves to others or do we just continue to have that mommy guilt or that mommy shame that goes along with our child not "performing" like those around us.

I recently met with baby bug's teacher for a parent teacher conference and she pointed out that I use the phrase "mommy shame" often when telling her about things that aren't quite the norm and she reminded me that I don't need to feel that shame for any of my choices. Most recently I said I have to admit my mommy shame that Baby Bug os still taking a bottle of milk before going to bed at night. That's right my 16 month old who's gaining weight fine is eating solids fine is still on a bottle at night. I would be more ashamed of this but her teacher told me that I need to stop because sometimes we do what we have to do to survive. In the world of being a parent there is no "well I'm going to make you do this because I've got all the time in the world" it's "I'm going to let you do this because I'm exhausted or I'm going to do this for you because we need to go." We don't have an infinite timeline and we don't all operate on Toddler Time. And while that would be wonderful it's not realistic so we do what we have to do to survive.

Covered in Oreo because mom had a migraine and Baby Bug wouldn't stop screaming on the car ride home. 

Some days I wonder am I doing this right and man this is hard as hell, but then I'm reminded by somebody amazing who I work with or who I encounter in my life who reminds me that I am doing it right that I am doing a good job because what I'm doing is what my baby needs not what a book says she needs not what some timeline says she should be doing but I'm meeting her where she is and doing what we need to do for what's best for our family. While that may sound more selfish than helpful, and it probably is, it's what we do.  It's how we've made it through this last 16 months with some of our sanity still intact.

We need to stop stressing about having our child be the first to do this or the first to do that and just enjoy them as they are right now. And the same goes for how we are as moms, we need to stop comparing how we feel about being a mom to how others feel about being a mom. Some moms say that they are always happy about motherhood and that is great. Others are more my speed and love their children with every part of them, but can use a break every once in a while.

Our days are messy and imperfect and hard, but that doesn't mean I don't love this wild and crazy kid of mine!

Being a mom can be hard when you have a child that is a bit higher need; one who is waking up every few hours through the night for the entire first year (and for months beyond that), a child who is sick often or who has food allergies, or just a child who isn't immediately compliant at every turn and has an occasional meltdown in the middle of Target. And not always being happy during these times is ok. Feeling all done at the end of the day (or by lunchtime) is ok. And it's also ok and healthy to get out of the house and focus on you every once in a while. This can be hard to accept sometimes, especially with PPD or PPA, but it is the best way to stay sane during those hard times.

All of this to say, STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER MOMS! And STOP COMPARING YOUR BABY TO OTHER BABIES! Yes, keep an eye on the developmental timelines and talk with your pediatrician if you are worried. But also remember that every child is different and things will happen when they happen. 

And most importantly, try to enjoy these moments with your child as they are right now. The days are long, but the years are short (one of my favorite things said about parenting). Your littles won't be little forever and it won't be this tough forever...I hope!

Workin 9-5

Each family has to decide what is best for their family when deciding if both parents will work or if one will stay home. Neither decision is better than the other and both come with their challenges.

For my family we knew that I needed to go back to work. My job had the better benefits package and I loved my job too much to leave. So over the last 10 months I have had to learn how to be both a mother and an employee.

Wearing both hats has proved challenging more than once during that time, but today I wore both hats simultaneously and I have never been so exhausted. I have also never been so thankful to work in a place that loves my child and who she is comfortable being around when needed.

Being a working mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. Juggling your responsibilities both in the home and the work place is exhausting, stressful, and guilt ridden. Like I said before I love my job, but the guilt I have when it requires I work extra hours or takes my attention while I'm at home is very real.

I once read someone say that working moms get an 8 hour physical break from their child and responded with a bit of frustration. This isn't because it is untrue, but because it did not take into account the fact that working moms typically replace physical attachment to their child with emotional attachment/guilt. Often skipping lunch, bathroom breaks, and social events in order to complete their required tasks and then make it home to their families.

Working moms also face pressures when they have a sick child that requires them to stay home from work. Some jobs are easily completed while home (well not easily if you are home alone), but many jobs require you be physically present to complete your job duties.

I've been fortunate enough to be able to bring a sick Bug in with me to finish a few quick tasks and grab tasks that can be completed at home. They've been supportive and flexible as we've struggled with frequent sinus infections and fevers. They understand that as a mom you want to be at the doctors appointments and home comforting your baby of at all possible. And that babies sometimes favor one parent over the other when they are unwell. But I still have responsibilities that require I be physically present and it is hard when I neglect those duties because baby bug is sick or has an appointment. This isn't because i'm made to feel guilty, its the opposite in fact, but I have the guilt none the less.

I've used the word "mom" throughout this article, but all of this can be said about dads, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. Being a parent/primary caregiver for a child is hard and each has my respect for keeping their tiny human alive and safe.

She Needs Wide Open Spaces

Before we had Baby Bug people always told me how challenging it was to travel with a baby. Whether you are going on a quick trip to the grocery store or traveling 12 hours to visit family, going places with a baby takes planning and fore thought to avoid being caught without the essentials!

I learned my lesson the hard way to always over pack the essentials so that you are never caught without! Long story short, Bug had a blow out and I only had one wipe. I had to use lemon scented moist towelettes to clean her bum!

We have also learned how to pack the essentials in small spaces so that we can go places like hockey games without having to carry around the entire diaper bag. 

In her short 10 months we have successfully, but not without stress, gone to see Jeff Dunham, a hockey game, visited a haunted forest (well she and I just rode to the entrance of the forest and back while the rest of the group did the walk), went to an amazing wedding, visited the art museum and attended pride, the Columbus Arts Fest, and ComFest. We also survived our first hike in Hocking Hills, OH, went to her first concert (Jim Gill), and a 13 hour drive to and from Virginia Beach. 

A collage of our many adventures!

Each of these has been an adventure and all have been more than worth the stress that they caused for the memories and time with family and friends. 

Tips for exploring with baby:

• Invest in a formula dispenser for bottle fed babies. The 3 compartment munchkins are nice for trips when you are going to take the diaper bag. Ziploc bags are great when you have limited space.
• Save wipes samples for times when wanting to take as little as possible. See the freebie post for more info on where to stock up on these!
• When going to a house that is not home to a baby, be sure to bring your own stash of toys to entertain baby. And be ready to quickly baby proof everywhere you go!
• Finally, don't set your expectations too high. Be ready to leave early, take a walk with baby during portions of the event if at a concert or similar event that involves sitting, and don't push your self too hard. Stop to sleep if you're on a roadtrip, leave early if baby is losing it, and get creative in how you enjoy the event (stand in the walkway if you can, find a place that allows you to stand, or a grassy space for baby to explore and move)

Most importantly always remember to have fun with baby and don't worry if you don't make it through an entire event or outing. Each baby is different and not all do well going out for long periods of time. But I was given the advice that if going different places is something you are going to do with your child, you should start doing it with them now and I am forever grateful for that advice. 

If You Seek Amy..

As the mom of a high need baby i rarely get half a second to myself. I feel as if Baby Bug has a magnet attached to her butt and I have the opposite magnet in my hip. Even in bed she is snuggled into me throughout the night. And during the work day she (or I) sometimes manages to find a way for me to visit her in class and snuggle.

With all of this physical attachment I am typically done with being touched by the end of the day. So what does this mean for my relationship with my husband? How do we keep the spark alive when I'm exhausted constantly, possibly haven't done more than a quick rinse in the shower in a few days, and I only get a couple of hours to myself if I'm lucky? Sex after having a baby is hard and even more so if you bed share.

The first few months can be challenging because your body is healing. If you had a c-section your body has a major surgery to recover from. If you delivered vaginally you may have tearing or cutting to heal from. And just plain giving birth does crazy things to a body!

Bottle feeding mommas are lucky in that we don't have the added stress of worrying about leaking and sore breasts when trying to get back in the saddle (why is this a saying, I'm not sure, but it works...). Nursing mommas have my respect in dealing with that added layer, but maybe it isn't as big an issue as I'm assuming.

For me it took months to feel like myself enough to want to be physically affectionate. Fooling around and kissing came easy, but full on sex was just not appealing. I found my husband as attractive as ever, even more so now that he was such a good daddy, but I didn't quite feel human until about 7 months postpartum.

Thankfully I have a very patient husband who got a bit frustrated at times, but also understood why I didn't want to be touched and why I didn't have the energy to even think a sexy thought let alone do sexy things.

New mommas who find you don't want to be touched or do any touching once the baby is down for the night, you are not alone! Find other ways to be intimate with your spouse. Make each other laugh, find humor in the every day of your new life, and most of all remind each other how you made it to this point in life together.

Grocery shopping at Kroger while Gran and Pa watched Baby Bug!

I Need a Dollar Dollar!

So there's no way around,  having a baby is expensive as hell! You have diapers, wipes, breast milk bags, bottles, bottle brushes,  sterilizing bags (or the giant counter top ones), clothes,  formula if needed, bath stuff,  books, and the list continues.  It just grows bigger as they get bigger and doesn't ever get cheaper.  Oh and I forgot the biggest expense of them all CHILDCARE!

Now, I can't help make childcare any cheapest,  but I can share my list of free or nearly free baby things. And none of these require you to fill out endless surveys or sell your soul for a measly single use tube of crappy lotion that you'll just trash. 

So here are my favorite ways to get free (or nearly free) baby samples! 

1)Gift Registries: Babies-R-Us, Target, and Buy Buy Baby all have gift bags for parents who create a gift registry with their stores. These bags are all fairly similar. They contain a bottle sample (I got 2 Avent and 1 Mam), Pamper diapers in a cute little clutch (typically 2 newborn diapers and a 6 pack of wipes), a pacifier sample, breast milk storage bags and breast pads, random single use samples, and coupons for places like Shutterfly.  And if you time it right, you can go to the registry event that most Babies-R-Us stores do at the beginning of the month and score a premium bag that has more samples. I was so disappointed that I didn't know about this event until after i had created my registry.

2)Amazon: I separated Amazon out from the other registries because their Welcome Box isn't completely free. In order to qualify for the Welcome Box you have to follow the steps on the checklist (registering for items in each of the categories listed, etc.) And then you or someone you know has to spend $10 on your registry. Once these steps are complete you will receive your free welcome box. This box is completely worth the time spent registering for items even if you don't plan on using your Amazon registry. In fact,  I didn't complete mine until after Baby Bug was born.  This box included a full pack of diapers,  a sample of Pamper wipes,  water wipes,  a full size muslin swaddle blanket, a onesie, and a variety of other fun samples. It seems to change slightly every so often so it's a fun surprise!

3)Honest Company: So one of the registry bags had a sample of 1 Honest Company diaper and a wipe sample. But I also decided to pay the $5 shipping fee to Honest Company and picked out 5 diapers and a sample of wipes so that I could try out the diapers that I had heard so much about. This automatically signed me up for the monthly subscription (which I forgot to cancel) and we ended up with 2 packs of diapers and wipes that I fell in love with. Once we run out of our supply of diapers, I will be going back to the Honest Company diaper subscription because the diapers hold a nights worth of pee without having Baby Bug wake up reeking of urine like she does with Luvs. And I don't have to worry about what is on her little tush. 

4)Baby Box University: You've probably heard of the Finnish Baby Boxes that mother's are sent home with from the hospital. They contain clothes, books, toys, etc for the new baby. Well the US hasn't made it that far, but many states in the US offer a free baby box full of supplies to new moms just for watching videos on safe sleep. And passing a short quiz. In Ohio the box comes with a mattress and sheet so that the baby has a safe place to sleep if you plan to co-sleep (which many studies suggest help with the prevention of SIDS), a onesie, a full pack or size 1 diapers, a pack of wipes, and a bunch of single use samples. You also get a few sample sized products for the grown ups! This box is free if you are able to pick it from one of the many locations around the area or you can pay a $5 shipping fee and have it delivered to your house. 

5) The last big thing of free samples that I was so excited to get is from Seventh Generation. I joined the Generation Good group that allows you to review sample products provided by Seventh Generation. My first few samples included laundry pods, feminine products, and baby wipes. And then I was invited to host a Happy Baby party. This meant I received a box full of sample and full sized products of different Seventh Generation products. I was sent a full pack of size 2 diapers, a bunch of wipe samples,  a ton of laundry samples, and a bunch of lotion samples. I have loved each of these samples, especially the diapers!

So go forth and enjoy those free (or almost free) samples!

This Ish is Hard

Being a new mom is the hardest thing you will ever do. It is exhausting, scary, and so very stressful. Having a supportive husband is helpful, but because of this lovely thing called maternal gatekeeping, mothers naturally carry a majority of the load.

You constantly question if you are doing stuff the right way. And if you have a preemie, you have a whole other level of worry added to everything. You worry that you are going to break their fragile little bones, that their thin skin is going to rip open if the diaper adhesives stick to their skin, and don't even get me started on the worry that they are going to get sick.

All of this worry, along with the surge of hormones going through your body, can cause some women to feel empowered and others to feel like they are drowning in life.

I was confident that I would be the first woman. I imagined taking my sweet Baby Bug for walks through our town, taking pictures of her laying in the garden, and getting our house organized now that I could lift more than 10 pounds at a time.

But in reality I was the woman that felt like she couldn't get her head above water. I cried all of the time, felt like I was doing everything wrong, and couldn't let go of everything that I had lost from my "perfect" pregnancy.

I am also the type of person that can't ask for help. I hint at what I need and then I stomp around doing it myself with a lot of anger and frustration. This makes for a hostile household, built up anger, and so many fights with your spouse. It also makes for the perfect postpartum depression storm.

Your feelings of despair are overwhelming and your bond with your baby isn't as strong as you want. You feel disconnected and those feelings of amazing joy are missing. And because you are embarrassed and ashamed, you don't tell anyone about this struggle. You keep it hidden from everyone and convince yourself that you can handle it.

But the reality is that you need to talk about it. You need get your worries out in the open, ask for help when you need it, and accept offers of help when they are given.

This sounds simple, right? Just be a yes person, use your words, give clear messages to those around you. How hard is that?

It's god damn hard as hell. It's scary to ask for help and to admit that you don't know everything. It's even harder when your mom is 12 hours away and none of the people in your "village" have gone through this before.

We put on a smiling face for the people in our lives as well as those that see our lives online. We don't show them the struggles we go through or advertise our failures. When you look through your photos, you don't see a bunch of dark, raw pictures of the midnight fight with your husband or the raw nipples from hours of pumping. You see a bunch of your smiling baby and the happy moments together.

But sometimes showing those hard times can help others. Can show them that they are not alone, like you so often feel you are.

I recently had a childhood acquaintance post about a very personal experience of hers that was full of raw emotion and honesty. It addressed a topic that many are afraid to discuss in an online forum. I was amazed by her bravery and inspired to not only start this blog, but to share it with others as well.

I don't need sympathy or people to feel sorry for me. This is a space for me to share my raw emotions, to celebrate the good, get angry at the bad, and to move past the ugly.

And if this blog helps even one lonely new mom, that would be great. But if it doesn't help anyone except me, that is ok as well.

The struggle on late nights and being spit up on constantly...