You constantly question if you are doing stuff the right way. And if you have a preemie, you have a whole other level of worry added to everything. You worry that you are going to break their fragile little bones, that their thin skin is going to rip open if the diaper adhesives stick to their skin, and don't even get me started on the worry that they are going to get sick.
All of this worry, along with the surge of hormones going through your body, can cause some women to feel empowered and others to feel like they are drowning in life.
I was confident that I would be the first woman. I imagined taking my sweet Baby Bug for walks through our town, taking pictures of her laying in the garden, and getting our house organized now that I could lift more than 10 pounds at a time.
But in reality I was the woman that felt like she couldn't get her head above water. I cried all of the time, felt like I was doing everything wrong, and couldn't let go of everything that I had lost from my "perfect" pregnancy.
I am also the type of person that can't ask for help. I hint at what I need and then I stomp around doing it myself with a lot of anger and frustration. This makes for a hostile household, built up anger, and so many fights with your spouse. It also makes for the perfect postpartum depression storm.
Your feelings of despair are overwhelming and your bond with your baby isn't as strong as you want. You feel disconnected and those feelings of amazing joy are missing. And because you are embarrassed and ashamed, you don't tell anyone about this struggle. You keep it hidden from everyone and convince yourself that you can handle it.
But the reality is that you need to talk about it. You need get your worries out in the open, ask for help when you need it, and accept offers of help when they are given.
This sounds simple, right? Just be a yes person, use your words, give clear messages to those around you. How hard is that?
It's god damn hard as hell. It's scary to ask for help and to admit that you don't know everything. It's even harder when your mom is 12 hours away and none of the people in your "village" have gone through this before.
We put on a smiling face for the people in our lives as well as those that see our lives online. We don't show them the struggles we go through or advertise our failures. When you look through your photos, you don't see a bunch of dark, raw pictures of the midnight fight with your husband or the raw nipples from hours of pumping. You see a bunch of your smiling baby and the happy moments together.
But sometimes showing those hard times can help others. Can show them that they are not alone, like you so often feel you are.
I recently had a childhood acquaintance post about a very personal experience of hers that was full of raw emotion and honesty. It addressed a topic that many are afraid to discuss in an online forum. I was amazed by her bravery and inspired to not only start this blog, but to share it with others as well.
I don't need sympathy or people to feel sorry for me. This is a space for me to share my raw emotions, to celebrate the good, get angry at the bad, and to move past the ugly.
And if this blog helps even one lonely new mom, that would be great. But if it doesn't help anyone except me, that is ok as well.
The struggle on late nights and being spit up on constantly...
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