Lacking Lactation

I had one last thing that I was clinging to when everything else in my picture perfect journey into motherhood had been taken from me.

I couldn't wait to nurse my sweet baby girl. I had my pump ready to go, I had a huge stock of milk storage bags and sterilizing bags, and I had bought myself two new nursing bras that would make nursing in public a breeze. 

I was convinced that I would be a pro at nursing when my breasts began to leak at about 32 weeks. It wasn't a lot and it wasn't all of the time, but it happened and this convinced me that my breasts would have no trouble producing milk when the time came. 

So now here we were, our sweet baby was born and it was time to show my boobs who was boss. I started pumping immediately and was thankful for my wonderful nurses who came in to help clean my parts while I was stuck in bed. I was able to get a few drops of colostrum in the first 24 hours that the nurses then dribbled into Baby Bugs mouth before she ate. 

And then I was told that Baby Bug was not able to nurse yet as her mouth was too small and she needed to save her energy to grow. So I was instructed to allow her to go to the breast before feeding her and then to pump immediately after to build my supply and to make it easier for Bug to nurse without expending much energy. 

So I began the task of pumping every 3 hours, just after Bug ate. I did this for the first week, eager for my breasts to become engorged, excited for the feeling that it was time for my baby to eat as I had heard so many say that their boobs could be used to tell time. 

But that feeling never came. I struggled to get enough milk for even half of a bottle during each pump session and celebrated when I was able to pump a full ounce between both breasts. But then something happened, it was like a switch was turned off in my boobs and I was lucky to get 10 mLs total during each pump session. 

I sat crying with the pump going crazy, seeing nothing coming out and feeling like a failure. I drank my water, I pumped like crazy, and yet I still couldn't do the one thing that I wanted to do. The one thing that I thought would come easy. 

So we were supplementing with formula, adding on another huge expense that I had convinced myself we would incur and causing me to feel like a failure. I tried working with a lactation consultant, but she said that she couldn't do much to help if my body didn't have the supply to feed my child.  

One lovely side effect of hoshimotos disease can be an inability to produce a milk supply. And guess who was lucky enough to experience this side effect...that's right, me! 

So after trying so hard, sitting topless for hours with a pump seemingly growing from my chest, I gave into the harsh reality that I would have to give up the last thing that I had imagined in my perfect pregnancy. 

And this was the thing that pushed me over the edge of the post partum depression cliff...

The only picture I have of Baby Bug attempting to nurse. It is so bittersweet to think back to this moment.